Why it’s not a good idea to have sex with a sheep

… or The story of the Gay Ram, the Blowfly and the Dingleberry

The ancient and perverse practice of sheep shagging is rumoured to be alive and well in places like Australia, New Zealand, Wale and the west of Ireland. Wikipedia describes a sheep shagger as “someone who engages in sexual intercourse with sheep.”

In a more humorous send-up website called Uncyclopedia, it is described or explained as follows:

Sheep shagging was first practised in 1563 as a competition to see how many sheep could be brought to orgasm in 5 minutes. The game was exceedingly popular in small Welsh towns and was commonly played at local town fêtes and wedding receptions. It was not long before the idea moved from just a game into one of the most popular Welsh pastimes. Pretty soon the concept spread to London, where it peaked interest with the male members of the royal family and became even more popular than royal cousin shagging, as the sheep could be roasted afterwards, removing all evidence. From there it has been carried to other lands, where strange people live in their little mud houses, watching their brand new plasma screen TV’s. As time progressed, the game of sheep shagging died out and sheep shagging ceased to be a social event; however, its concept remains popular to this day, especially among the Welsh, which most often practised it at 11:15pm every night, after the local pubs have closed.

I must admit that sheep shagging is one of the few sexual practises I have never experienced and I have no wish to partake in. I love animals too much so the nearest I ever got personally to sheep shagging is sleeping with my beautiful cat Romoletto, which is much more innocent and publicly acceptable.

I have visited Galway in Ireland and seen their amazing stone walls dividing their fields into meadows for their world famous Galway sheep, but although I searched high and low and met a lot of beautiful Galway men, not to mention Kerry men, Corkonians and Dubs, I never spotted a Galway sheep shagger yet.

Sheep shagging is an all year round activity but springtime brings its own particular problems. Sheep have to be sheared in the Spring to keep them cool over the hot Summer and still allow them to grow a good heavy coat for the Winter. Animal lovers can rest assured this is not cruel in any way, it’s simply giving the sheep a shave or taking off their coat and getting them ready for the sunshine.

For those not familiar with the joys of sheep shagging you might think that the chance to get your hands, or other parts of your anatomy, on a shaved shagging sheep pussy would be the highlight of your year, but surprisingly that’s not the case.

To shag a sheep you have to

(1) adopt the doggie position behind the sheep and

(2) hold on to the sheep for all you’re worth.

If you don’t have a good grip of your baa baa partner she is likely to make one giant leap and be back up at the top of the mountain or down in the glen before you can say “Fuck that shagging sheep.”

Nature’s natural handles for holding on to a sheep is their wool. Leaning backwards with your heels firmly planted in the ground and a fistful of wool in each hand is the Kama Sutra ideal sheep shagging position. Without the wool to hold on to all you can do is put the sheep’s back legs down your boots or wellies, but this is a poor second option which can result in damage to your shins or feet over a sustained period of sexual activity. So Springtime with shearing until the wool grows back, can be a lonely and loveless period for our brave sheep shaggers. Luckily for the sheep the ram can keep them sexually fulfilled until normal activity resumes

Besides keeping the sheep cool, shearing has another very important function. There is a little parasite called the blowfly which, for the information of all you bad minded readers, has nothing to do with a blow-job which you are probably thinking. The blowfly lays its eggs in summer on the sheep’s back. Their eggs drop down into the warmth and protection of the wool where they soon hatch out as tiny maggots. These horrible little creatures then burrow under the skin of the unfortunate sheep and proceed to feed off their flesh. Every year the farmer has to apply blowfly preventative products to keep blowflies under control, a bit like using condoms to protect against blowjobs.

You would think that the knowledge of blowflies and what the filthy little buggers do would deter sheep shaggers from their lusty nocturnal love making, but clearly the sexual urges of a randy male should never be underestimated. The next problem they face is Dingleberries, but before I explain that I should mention some other obstacles our sheep shaggers have to overcome.

The first problem is finding a suitable soul mate or sexual partner. In almost all cases it’s better to choose a quiet good looking ewe (pronounced “you” or “Yoo” depending on whither you have an Irish or a Welsh accent.) It is possible to shag a ram instead of a ewe, but it is very hard to find a gay ram, so my advice is that it’s not worth the trouble or the wait. The sex will only last for ten or twenty seconds anyway before the sheep decides he has enjoyed as much of this as he can stand and he heads for the hills.

To a sheep, every other sheep probably looks different, but to us humans they all look pretty well the same. There was a famous case in Ireland where a man was accused of smuggling sheep across the border from Northern Ireland to Southern Ireland. The arresting policeman gave evidence to the court that he saw the sheep being herded into a tunnel in Northern Ireland and walking out of the same tunnel in Southern Ireland. The judge asked the policeman “Are you sure they were the same sheep that went in one end and came out the other end?.” The policeman replied that they were sheep, that they all looked the same but he could not swear for definite that they were the same sheep. The judge dismissed the case.

The lesson from that legal judgement is that it’s better to look for a quiet ewe than for a good looking one.

The next problem for our sheep shagger is actually catching the ewe. Sheep are very unpredictable when running. They don’t tend to go in a straight line, preferring to brake suddenly and swerve left or right at the most unlikely moments. The main thing to remember is to head them towards the corner of the field, be prepared to launch a flying rugby tackle and hold on for dear life. Maybe that’s why the Irish, Welsh, New Zealanders and Aussies took up sheep shagging as they are all such great rugby players.

But to get back to the Dingleberries. Everybody knows and loves strawberries, raspberries and blueberries but how many people know what a Dingleberry is. If you don’t know, the best person to ask is a sheep shagger. Dingleberries hang like Christmas decorations from the ass wool of a sheep and consist of dried up little balls of shit that never made it all the way from the sheep’s ass down to the ground. Dingleberries must be a sheep shagger’s nightmare.

It reminds me of the joke “What do Brussels sprouts and pubic hairs have in common?” Answear: “You push both of them aside and keep eating.”

Dingleberries are the sheep shagger’s equivalent of brussels sprouts, only worse. They should definitely put any self respecting sheep shagger off oral sex or ass licking. But for the dedicated few, nothing will put them off. Sheep shagging is not just a perversion, for them it’s a way of life.

But remember to watch out for Gay Rams, Blowflies and Dingleberries.

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