Why it’s not a good idea to have sex with a sheep

… or The story of the Gay Ram, the Blowfly and the Dingleberry

The ancient and perverse practice of sheep shagging is rumoured to be alive and well in places like Australia, New Zealand, Wale and the west of Ireland. Wikipedia describes a sheep shagger as “someone who engages in sexual intercourse with sheep.”

In a more humorous send-up website called Uncyclopedia, it is described or explained as follows:

Sheep shagging was first practised in 1563 as a competition to see how many sheep could be brought to orgasm in 5 minutes. The game was exceedingly popular in small Welsh towns and was commonly played at local town fêtes and wedding receptions. It was not long before the idea moved from just a game into one of the most popular Welsh pastimes. Pretty soon the concept spread to London, where it peaked interest with the male members of the royal family and became even more popular than royal cousin shagging, as the sheep could be roasted afterwards, removing all evidence. From there it has been carried to other lands, where strange people live in their little mud houses, watching their brand new plasma screen TV’s. As time progressed, the game of sheep shagging died out and sheep shagging ceased to be a social event; however, its concept remains popular to this day, especially among the Welsh, which most often practised it at 11:15pm every night, after the local pubs have closed.

I must admit that sheep shagging is one of the few sexual practises I have never experienced and I have no wish to partake in. I love animals too much so the nearest I ever got personally to sheep shagging is sleeping with my beautiful cat Romoletto, which is much more innocent and publicly acceptable.

I have visited Galway in Ireland and seen their amazing stone walls dividing their fields into meadows for their world famous Galway sheep, but although I searched high and low and met a lot of beautiful Galway men, not to mention Kerry men, Corkonians and Dubs, I never spotted a Galway sheep shagger yet.

Sheep shagging is an all year round activity but springtime brings its own particular problems. Sheep have to be sheared in the Spring to keep them cool over the hot Summer and still allow them to grow a good heavy coat for the Winter. Animal lovers can rest assured this is not cruel in any way, it’s simply giving the sheep a shave or taking off their coat and getting them ready for the sunshine.

For those not familiar with the joys of sheep shagging you might think that the chance to get your hands, or other parts of your anatomy, on a shaved shagging sheep pussy would be the highlight of your year, but surprisingly that’s not the case.

To shag a sheep you have to

(1) adopt the doggie position behind the sheep and

(2) hold on to the sheep for all you’re worth.

If you don’t have a good grip of your baa baa partner she is likely to make one giant leap and be back up at the top of the mountain or down in the glen before you can say “Fuck that shagging sheep.”

Nature’s natural handles for holding on to a sheep is their wool. Leaning backwards with your heels firmly planted in the ground and a fistful of wool in each hand is the Kama Sutra ideal sheep shagging position. Without the wool to hold on to all you can do is put the sheep’s back legs down your boots or wellies, but this is a poor second option which can result in damage to your shins or feet over a sustained period of sexual activity. So Springtime with shearing until the wool grows back, can be a lonely and loveless period for our brave sheep shaggers. Luckily for the sheep the ram can keep them sexually fulfilled until normal activity resumes

Besides keeping the sheep cool, shearing has another very important function. There is a little parasite called the blowfly which, for the information of all you bad minded readers, has nothing to do with a blow-job which you are probably thinking. The blowfly lays its eggs in summer on the sheep’s back. Their eggs drop down into the warmth and protection of the wool where they soon hatch out as tiny maggots. These horrible little creatures then burrow under the skin of the unfortunate sheep and proceed to feed off their flesh. Every year the farmer has to apply blowfly preventative products to keep blowflies under control, a bit like using condoms to protect against blowjobs.

You would think that the knowledge of blowflies and what the filthy little buggers do would deter sheep shaggers from their lusty nocturnal love making, but clearly the sexual urges of a randy male should never be underestimated. The next problem they face is Dingleberries, but before I explain that I should mention some other obstacles our sheep shaggers have to overcome.

The first problem is finding a suitable soul mate or sexual partner. In almost all cases it’s better to choose a quiet good looking ewe (pronounced “you” or “Yoo” depending on whither you have an Irish or a Welsh accent.) It is possible to shag a ram instead of a ewe, but it is very hard to find a gay ram, so my advice is that it’s not worth the trouble or the wait. The sex will only last for ten or twenty seconds anyway before the sheep decides he has enjoyed as much of this as he can stand and he heads for the hills.

To a sheep, every other sheep probably looks different, but to us humans they all look pretty well the same. There was a famous case in Ireland where a man was accused of smuggling sheep across the border from Northern Ireland to Southern Ireland. The arresting policeman gave evidence to the court that he saw the sheep being herded into a tunnel in Northern Ireland and walking out of the same tunnel in Southern Ireland. The judge asked the policeman “Are you sure they were the same sheep that went in one end and came out the other end?.” The policeman replied that they were sheep, that they all looked the same but he could not swear for definite that they were the same sheep. The judge dismissed the case.

The lesson from that legal judgement is that it’s better to look for a quiet ewe than for a good looking one.

The next problem for our sheep shagger is actually catching the ewe. Sheep are very unpredictable when running. They don’t tend to go in a straight line, preferring to brake suddenly and swerve left or right at the most unlikely moments. The main thing to remember is to head them towards the corner of the field, be prepared to launch a flying rugby tackle and hold on for dear life. Maybe that’s why the Irish, Welsh, New Zealanders and Aussies took up sheep shagging as they are all such great rugby players.

But to get back to the Dingleberries. Everybody knows and loves strawberries, raspberries and blueberries but how many people know what a Dingleberry is. If you don’t know, the best person to ask is a sheep shagger. Dingleberries hang like Christmas decorations from the ass wool of a sheep and consist of dried up little balls of shit that never made it all the way from the sheep’s ass down to the ground. Dingleberries must be a sheep shagger’s nightmare.

It reminds me of the joke “What do Brussels sprouts and pubic hairs have in common?” Answear: “You push both of them aside and keep eating.”

Dingleberries are the sheep shagger’s equivalent of brussels sprouts, only worse. They should definitely put any self respecting sheep shagger off oral sex or ass licking. But for the dedicated few, nothing will put them off. Sheep shagging is not just a perversion, for them it’s a way of life.

But remember to watch out for Gay Rams, Blowflies and Dingleberries.

40 thoughts on “Why it’s not a good idea to have sex with a sheep

  1. When someone writes an article he/she maintains the idea of a user
    in his/her brain that how a user can be aware of it.
    Thus that’s why this paragraph is amazing. Thanks!

  2. I’m curious to find out what blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m experiencing some small security problems with my
    latest website and I would like to find something more safe.

    Do you have any recommendations?

  3. I loved as much as you will receive carried
    out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject
    matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get got
    an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following.
    unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since
    exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.

  4. I’ve been exploring for a bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts in this sort of
    area . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this site.
    Reading this info So i am glad to show that I have an incredibly just right uncanny
    feeling I found out just what I needed. I so much unquestionably will make sure
    to don?t forget this website and give it a glance on a constant basis.

  5. It’s the best time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy.
    I’ve read this post and if I may just I wish to suggest you few interesting issues or tips.

    Perhaps you can write subsequent articles relating
    to this article. I wish to read even more issues approximately it!

  6. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your
    point. You definitely know what youre talking about,
    why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you
    could be giving us something informative to read?

  7. Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you’re
    a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will often come back in the
    foreseeable future. I want to encourage continue your great posts, have a
    nice evening!

  8. I believe everything posted was actually very logical.

    But, what about this? suppose you added a little
    content? I mean, I don’t wish to tell you how to run your
    blog, however suppose you added something that grabbed a person’s
    attention? I mean Why it’s not a good idea to have sex with
    a sheep – Monique Covet's blog is a little vanilla.
    You might look at Yahoo’s front page and note how they create news titles to get viewers to open the
    links. You might try adding a video or a picture or two to grab
    readers excited about what you’ve written. Just my opinion, it might
    make your posts a little bit more interesting.

  9. Whats up this is somewhat of off topic but I was wanting to know if
    blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code
    with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding knowledge so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.
    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  10. Quest bars cheap fitnesstipsnew1 quest bars cheap 516999410492780544 quest bars cheap
    My brother recommended I might like this blog.
    He was entirely right. This post truly made my day.

    You can not imagine just how much time I had spent for
    this info! Thanks! Quest bars cheap fitnesstipsnew1 quest bars cheap 516999410492780544
    quest bars cheap

  11. Hey there! Quick question that’s entirely off topic.

    Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My website looks weird when browsing from my iphone.
    I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able
    to resolve this problem. If you have any suggestions, please share.
    With thanks!

  12. Excellent post. I used to be checking continuously this weblog and I’m inspired!
    Extremely useful info particularly the final part 🙂 I care for such information much.
    I used to be looking for this particular info for a long time.
    Thanks and good luck.

  13. A person essentially lend a hand to make seriously articles I
    might state. That is the first time I frequented
    your web page and up to now? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this actual
    put up amazing. Excellent process!

  14. Attractive component of content. I just stumbled upon your site and in accession capital
    to claim that I acquire in fact loved account your weblog
    posts. Anyway I will be subscribing on your feeds and even I achievement you access
    consistently fast.

  15. Good day I am so excited I found your blog, I really found
    you by error, while I was browsing on Bing for something else, Anyhow I
    am here now and would just like to say thank you for a remarkable post and a all round enjoyable
    blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it all at the moment
    but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds,
    so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the fantastic
    b.

  16. Hello! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout
    out and say I truly enjoy reading your blog posts.

    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over
    the same topics? Many thanks!

  17. Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I’m
    impressed! Very useful information particularly the last part 🙂 I care for such info much.
    I was looking for this particular info for a long
    time. Thank you and best of luck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

18 − seventeen =