Perché non è una buona idea fare sesso con una pecora

… ovvero la storia dei montoni gay, dei mosconi della carne e dei Tarzanelli

Dicono che l’antica quanto perversa abitudine di fornicare con una pecora sia ancora viva e vegeta in posti quali l’ Australia, la Nuova Zelanda, il Galles e l’Irlanda occidentale. La definizione di Wikipedia descrive lo sheep shaggin (fottere la pecora) come “qualcuno che intrattenga rapporti sessuali con una pecora.”

Nel più umoristico sito chiamato Uncyclopedia, la pratica è descritta con le seguenti parole:

Il “fottimento della pecora”(sheep shagging) venne praticato in chiave competitiva per la prima volta nel 1563, si trattò di una sfida a vedere chi fosse in grado di portare all’orgasmo (orgasm) il maggior numero di pecore (sheep) in 5 minuti. Il gioco acquistò popolarità nelle cittadine Gallesi ed era praticato normalmente in occasione di sagre e di banchetti nuziali. Non ci volle molto prima che questa idea passasse dall’essere un gioco (game) al divenire uno dei più popolari passatempi del Galles. Ben presto questo passatempo approdò a Londra (London), qui suscitò l’interesse dei membri di sesso maschile della famiglia Reale acquisendo ancor maggior popolarità giacché le regie cucine, arrostendo le pecorelle a cose fatte, cancellavano qualsiasi prova Di lì il gioco è stato esportato in altre terre, dove gente strana vive nelle proprie piccole case di fango, guardando la TV dai loro nuovi schermi al plasma. Col progredire dei costumi la “pecorina” cessò di essere un evento sociale (social); Comunque l’idea di base rimane ancora oggi popolare, in particolare fra i gallesi occidentali, venendo praticata ogni sera attorno alle 11:15 di notte, dopo la chiusura dei pub locali.

Devo ammettere che la “pecorella” costituisce una delle poche pratiche sessuali che non ho mai praticato e che non ho alcuna desiderio di sperimentare. Amo troppo gli animali e per tanto la cosa più vicina al giacere con una pecora che io abbia mai sperimentato è dormire con il mio meraviglioso gatto Romoletto, il che è decisamente più innocente e socialmente accettabile.

Ho visitato Galway, in Irlanda, ammirando i loro muri di pietra che dividono i campi dai pascoli delle famose pecore di Galway, ma pur avendo cercato in alto ed in basso, incontrando molti bellissimi uomini di Galway, per non menzionare quelli di Kerry, Cork e Dublino, non ho comunque mai incontrato un “fottipecore” di Galway.

“Il fottere la pecora” è un’attività che copre tutto l’anno ma con la primavera si presentano alcuni peculiari problemi. Le pecore vanno tosate per mantenerle fresche durante l’Estate e consentire poi al loro vello di crescere abbondante in previsione dell’Inverno. Posso rassicurare gli amanti degli animali che non vi è nulla di crudele in tutto questo, si tratta soltanto di rasare gli animali e renderli pronti per la stagione calda.

Quelli che non hanno familiarità con le gioie del giacere con una pecora potrebbero pensare che avere la possibilità di mettere le mani, oppure altre parti della propria anatomia, su una pecora rasata da possedere sia una buona notizia, ma sorprendentemente non è così.

Per fottere la pecora tu devi :

(1) Adottare la posizione della pecorina dietro la pecora (strano no?)

(2) Tenere la pecora con tutte le tue forze.

Se non hai una buona presa sulla tua belante partner questa potrebbe compiere un bel balzo in avanti e raggiungere la cima della montagna , come il fondo della valle, prima che tu riesca a dire “Fottiti fottuta pecora!”

Il manto è per la pecora l’equivalente naturale delle maniglie dell’amore umane. Inarcarsi all’indietro, con i tacchi saldamente piantati nel terreno, ed un pugno di lana in ogni mano, consente di assumere la posizione ideale della “pecora” come descritta nel Kama Sutra. Senza la lana sulla quale fare presa, tutto quello che puoi fare rimane incastrare le zampe posteriori della pecora fra gli stivali o galosce, ma si tratta di una misera seconda opzione che può portare al ferirsi le caviglie o i piedi, nel caso di un prolungato rapporto sessuale. Pertanto a causa della tosatura la Primavera può essere un periodo solitario e privo di amore per i nostri coraggiosi “amanti delle pecore”. Fortunatamente per le pecore il montone può mantenerle sessualmente appagate sino a quando non riprenda la normale attività.

Oltre a mantenere fresche le pecore, la tosatura ha un’altra funzione molto importante. Esiste un tipo di parassita chiamato Blowfly, un nome che tradotto alla lettera suona come “mosca che gonfia”, per informazione di tutti i lettori cattivi, non ha nulla a che fare con il tipo di azione di gonfiamento con le bocca alla quale probabilmente stanno pensando. In Italia è detto moscone della carne. Questo parassita depone le sue uova sulla schiena delle pecore in estate. Qui le uova godono del calore e della protezione data dalla lana e ben presto si schiudono liberando piccoli vermi. Queste piccole, orribili, creature scavano allora sotto la pelle delle sfortunate pecore, nutrendosi della loro carne. Ogni anno, l’allevatore deve applicare dei prodotti di protezione contro questi parassiti, un poco come usare i preservativi per proteggersi durante i pompini.

Si potrebbe pensare che la conoscenza dei mosconi della carne e di cosa siano le loro piccole larve, dovrebbero distogliere i focosi fottitori di pecore dalle loro pratiche amorose notturne, ma chiaramente le urgenze sessuali di un maschio lascivo non dovrebbero mai essere sottovalutate. Il prossimo problema che affronto sono i Tarzanelli, ma prima dovrei trattare di alcuni altri ostacoli che i nostri amanti degli ovini devono superare.

Il primo problema è quello di trovare un partner sessuale adatto. Generalmente è meglio scegliere una pecora placida. È possibile accoppiarsi con un montone invece che con una pecora, ma è molto difficile trovarne uno gay, quindi il mio consiglio è che non ne valga il tempo e lo sforzo. Il sesso dura comunque solo dieci o venti secondi prima che le pecore decidano di aver goduto il massimo possibile per loro e si dirigano verso le colline.

Ad una pecora, ogni altra pecora probabilmente sembra diversa, ma a noi umani sembrano praticamente tutte la stessa. C’è stato un caso famoso in Irlanda, dove un uomo è stato accusato di contrabbando di pecore attraverso il confine fra l’ Irlanda del Nord e l’Irlanda del Sud. Il poliziotto che aveva effettuato l’arresto testimoniò alla corte di aver visto le pecore scendere in un tunnel in Irlanda del Nord per uscire dalla stessa galleria nell’Irlanda del Sud. Il giudice chiese al poliziotto: “Sei sicuro che siano state le stesse le pecore che sono entrate da un’estremità e uscite dall’altra ?”. Il poliziotto rispose che erano pecore, che sembravano tutte uguali, ma non poteva giurare per certo che fossero le stesse pecore. Il giudice archiviò il caso.

Questo caso giuridico ci insegna che è meglio cercare una pecora tranquilla piuttosto che una bella a vedersi.

Il prossimo problema per i nostri fotti pecore è come catturare le stesse. Le pecore sono molto imprevedibili quando inseguite. Non tendono ad andare in linea retta, preferendo frenare improvvisamente e svoltare a sinistra o destra nei momenti più improbabili. La cosa più importante della quale ricordarsi è spingerle verso un angolo del campo, preparandosi ad una mischia da partita di rugby e a vendere cara la pelle. Forse è per questo che gli Irlandesi, i Gallesi, i Neozelandesi e gli Australiani, avendo fatto certe cose alla pecore, sono tutti grandi giocatori di rugby.

Ma per tornare ai Tarzanelli. Tutti conoscono e amano le fragole, i lamponi ei mirtilli, ma quante persone sanno che cosa sia un Tarzanello? Se non lo sai, le persone migliori alla quali chiedere sono i fottitori di pecore. I Tarzanelli consistono in piccole palle secche di merda che penzolano, come decorazioni natalizie , dal culo lanoso della pecora giù fino a terra. Devono essere un incubo per gli amanti delle pecore.

Mi ricorda la battuta “Che cosa hanno i cavoli di Bruxelles ed i peli pubici in comune?” Risposta: “Li spingerai entrambi a parte per continuare a mangiare”.

I Tarzanelli sono per i fotti pecore l’equivalente dei cavoli di Bruxelles, solo peggio. Dovrebbero sicuramente distogliere qualsiasi chiavatore di pecore dal sesso orale o dal leccare il culo. Ma niente distoglierà persone così appassionate. La pecora per loro non è solo una perversione, ma è un modo di vivere.

Ma ricordatevi dei montoni gay, dei mosconi della carne e dei Tarzanelli.

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